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Stupid vampire nurses

So today (well technically yesterday since it’s now 4am the next morning but since I still haven’t gone to bed yet it totally counts as today, right? RIGHT?) I had to go in for a blood draw to see if my thyroid meds are helping any (hint: not). My appointment was for 9am… got there 15 minutes early. After about 45 minutes I asked the lab tech if she had perhaps called my name and I was lost in space or thinking about devouring a cow because since you have to go fasting and I was starving and dizzy and dear god all I want is some cinnamon toast I was getting a little testy. She said no, and that she would call me.

Another half hour passed and I was the last one left in the waiting room so I asked again because maybe she’s a bit on the slow side and well, I’m extremely sympathetic toward the intellectually challenged especially before breakfast but she was sipping a coffee and I secretly hoped she would burn her esophagus on it and she was all UGH LET ME LOOK and I was *blink – the fuck?* and then she was all “Oops we lost your paperwork but that’s ok, we’ll just do up another form but I have to consult with your doctor first to see what tests he ordered” and I’m again *blink – bish, I have the paperwork RIGHT HERE* and then she left me standing there while she went off to ask the doc to fill it out again.

And then they stabbed me in the arm and drank drew my blood. And my veins didn’t even collapse this time which was nice.

But now I have to wait a week to get the results and? how much you wanna bet they LOSE THOSE TOO, FUCKERS?!

In other news, my service dog had a lump which ok, technically she still has it because the awesome vet said it was just a harmless cyst and the risk of anesthesia is worse at her age than the actual cyst so we left it there and dubbed it her “Lady Lumps” which apparently nobody finds funny but me. And I called the hubs to tell him about it and….

Me: So it’s just a harmless cyst.

Him: Can’t you remove it?

Me: Sure but it’s really no big deal, it’s a cosmetic issue and not a tumor or anything bad so we might as well just leave it.

Him: But if it can be removed, we should really schedule an appointment.

Me: *blink* Um…. tightwad honey, the risk of anesthesia at that age is just too high for a simple harmless cyst.

Him: Don’t be absurd, let’s remove it.

Me: But the anesthesia ALONE is gonna cost an arm and a leg

Him: You mean they CHARGE for that? How much?

Me: Around $150

Him: WHAT?

Me: Well honey they charge by the weight of the dog

Him: What does the dog have to do….. oh wait, are we talking about Karma [my service dog]?

Me: DUH. What the fuck did you THINK I was talking about?

Him: Didn’t you say last week that they thought you had thyroid cancer and you went today to get bloodwork done?

Me: *beyond blinking at this point* Um… that would be the fastest labwork on the planet and besides, labwork isn’t gonna tell the docs if I have a lump in my neck, that’s what the MRI is for.

Him: Oh. OK.

Yeah. Disturbing isn’t it?

And in more exciting news – I’m getting my replacement (well ok not really replacement, more like successor) service dog a bit earlier than originally planned (well, assuming there’s a suitable male born in the litter). Just have to work out the logistics in getting him here and fingers crossed that the litter isn’t all girls. If all goes well, I’ll introduce you to him in March!

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The C word…

No, I don’t mean that C word. The other one. The scary one. The one that even though your doctor tries to reassure you that it’s the best one you could get, if you had to get one, makes you want to cry and scream and break things. The one that you want to tell your husband about but he’s at a business lunch and you don’t want to disturb him so you act like you just wanted to ask him to pick up milk on the way home instead. The one that makes you snap at your kids for talking too much at the table.


I was hoping to never have to discuss that topic here on my blog, because the emotions that well up inside me are overwhelming. Someone told me this week that they thought I wasn’t capable of emotions because I didn’t defend their perceived right to be a douche canoe. Au contraire – there is no shortage of emotions today.

I want to be offended by the fact that yet again, no sooner do I walk through the doctor’s door, the next sentence out of his mouth after “Hello, how have you been?” was “You really need to lose weight – and a lot of it.” I want to be incensed by the fact that if I were on an adequate dosage of medicine I’d have lost some by now, or upset about the fact that had my doctors thought to check my thyroid years ago, I wouldn’t have all that much weight to lose in the first damn place.

But I can’t.

When the words “We’re going to have to do an MRI to check your gland because 75% of people with your condition have thyroid cancer” came out, I ceased to hear anything else the doctor had to say. I think he said something about how easily treated it is, how my condition has been going on for years and if I have cancer, it’s a slow growing one. I think I am even overlooking the fact that while 75% of people with my condition have tumors on their gland, 25% do not and I could very well be the 1 in 4 that is just fine and dandy.

He said something about surgery. About consulting with the endo for a second opinion on the matter.

But all I hear ringing in my ears is cancer.

Fucking c word indeed.

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You’d think my ass would have shrunk by now…

Now that my levo dosage has been raised again, past the point of halting the weight gain, and I’m slowly getting some energy back, I have noticed some changes in my eating habits. Namely, I rarely, if ever, snack anymore. Awesomesauce. And when we eat, all of a sudden I never finish my plate anymore. I leave food on the plate at every meal. In fact… just looking at a plate of food makes me feel full. I am simply not hungry…. at all. I eat less than my picky vegetarian skin-and-bones little kid.

Then why why WHY is my ass just as wide, my pants just as tight, my bras just as tiny?

I can’t figure it out. I tried starting the Thyroid Diet and I just don’t know how that is going to work – the quantities of food that I am supposed to eat, written down seemed so low… but when I put it into practice it was just too much food! I couldn’t finish it all.

Sigh. Looks like I’ll be heading back to the nutritionist after the kids start school again.